FROM EUPHORIA

I. The Iron Horse
II. The Taiwan Blue
III. The Mint Bang
III. The Sitting Bull
IV. The Leather Eagle

II. THE TAIWAN BLUE

YOU DO NOT
REMEMBER
WHERE YOU WERE
OR WHEN IT WAS
THAT YOU FIRST
FOUND IT THERE.
BUT HERE I AM.
AND NOW
AND FROM
THIS POINT FORWARD
I’M GONNA GO
RIGHT AHEAD
AND TELL YOU
ABOUT IT.

I’LL BE THE ONE
TO TELL YOU
ALL ABOUT IT
AND ALL ABOUT
WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOU AND TO IT
AND HOW YOU
FOUND IT THERE
FIXED ONTO YOU
LIKE A COLLAR
WOULD BE, LIKE
AN ARM WOULD
BE, AS IT REACHED
ITSELF OUT
AND ONTO
YOU—YES,
LIKE THE TWO OR
THE FOUR OR
THE EIGHT LONG
ARMS OF A YOUNG
AND DESPERATE
CHILD, ONE THAT
NAGS AT YOU
AS IF IN
DISBELIEF OF
YOUR FAILURE—
DESPITE WHAT
IT SAYS OR
DOES TO YOU,
DESPITE THE
PROMISES
IT WILL MAKE
TO YOU OR YOU
TO IT, OF WHAT
YOU OR IT
WILL SAY OR DO
TO EACH OTHER—
TO CARE FOR IT
IN ANY WAY
AT ALL.

AND YOU
KNOW WHAT.
THE FACT THAT
YOU REMEMBER
NOTHING AT ALL
ABOUT IT IS,
I’M TELLING YOU
NOW AND YOU’LL
BELIEVE ME,
COMPLETELY AT
ODDS WITH
WHAT YOU
THOUGHT WOULD
HAPPEN TO YOU
IN THAT SUDDEN,
BRIEF MOMENT
IN WHICH
IT DID.
YOU DON’T EVEN
REMEMBER THAT
YOU FELT THEN
THAT IT MIGHT
BE THERE WITH
YOU NOT JUST FOR
THAT MOMENT
BUT FROM THAT
MOMENT FORWARD.

CAN YOU EVEN
IMAGINE.
TRY TO.

IMAGINE WHAT IT’D
BE LIKE IF THERE
WERE NO GETTING
FREE OF IT,
AS IF IT WERE
FROM THEN ON OUT
FIXED ONTO YOU,
AND YOUR NECK
TO ITS GRIP,
FOR GOOD.

GOOD BECAUSE
I AM HERE NOW,
AND I WILL TELL
YOU SEVERAL THINGS.
EACH OF WHICH
YOU WILL LISTEN TO
AND EACH OF WHICH
WHILE LISTENING TO
YOU WILL BELIEVE.

YOU WILL BELIEVE ME
WHEN I TELL YOU
THAT WHAT IT WAS
THAT YOU FOUND THERE,
THAT THING THAT
TOOK YOU BY SURPRISE,
ALTERING THE COURSE
YOU’D TAKE FROM
THAT POINT FORWARD
FOR BETTER OR WORSE
TOWARD IT AND ONLY IT,
THAT ITS NAME,
WHAT IT GOES BY,
IS THE TAIWAN BLUE.

HOW IS IT THAT
YOU DON’T
REMEMBER
EVEN THAT.
DO YOU EVEN KNOW.

YOU DON’T
DO YOU.

GOOD.
I’LL TELL YOU.
I’LL TELL YOU THAT
THE TAIWAN BLUE
WAS AND IS
MADE JUST
LIKE YOU’RE MADE.
THAT ALL OF
ITS LITTLE PARTS
ARE MADE WITH
THE SAME SENSE
OF RESOLVE WITH
WHICH YOU,
FROM TIME TO TIME
MAKE YOURSELF
OUT TO BE MADE,
AT THE VERY LEAST,
TO YOURSELF,
WHEN YOU TRY
YOUR VERY BEST
TO BE UNSHAKABLE,
AND INTRANSIGENTLY
AT EASE
WITH THE WORLD,
TOO CHILL
TO REFUSE
TO EVER ACCEPT
GETTING SUDDENLY
TAKEN BY
A THING THAT IS
TOTALLY BLIND
TO BOTH YOUR GUT
AND TO YOUR TOUCH –
UNABLE
TO TAKE IN
ANYTHING
UNBIDDEN, NO
MATTER HOW DENSE
OR HOW TOTAL ITS
EFFECT IS UPON YOU,
AS IT COMES UP
AND ONTO YOU,
BRINGING WITH
IT A VIOLENCE
UPON YOUR AIR
WITHOUT EVEN A
TRACE OF IT EVER
GETTING THERE
AND BECAUSE
OF WHICH
YOU FIND YOURSELF
RESIDUALLY
UNRESOLVED,
SHIFTING YOURSELF
PART BY PART
OUT OF A CRUEL
AND AUTOMATIC BUT
NO LESS VIOLENT
MOVEMENT SO
AS TO SEEK OUT
WHATEVER IT IS
THAT MADE YOU
GIVE UP AND
MOVE IN THE
FIRST PLACE,
WHATEVER IT WAS
THAT MADE YOU
TURN A CORNER
OR ENTER A STREET
OR TRIP AND FALL AND
SCRAPE YOUR KNEE
OR STOP AT A
CROSSROADS
OR FALL ASLEEP
FOR NO REASON
AT ALL
OTHER THAN
THE CONSEQUENT
FATIGUE THAT
COMES WITH
ANY OTHER
PRIOR MOVEMENT.

I KNOW
THE KIND,
JUST LIKE YOU DO,
THE KIND
THAT SLOWLY
BEGINS TO FILL
YOU UP FROM
THE INSIDE
AS IF YOU WERE
BY ITS ARRIVAL
BEING ABSENTED
BY IT, AS IT WERE,
FOR JUST A MOMENT,
INTO A LONELY
LITTLE HIDEOUT
OF TIME
AND PLEASURE,
NEATLY CLIPPED
OUT OF THE WORLD
FOR YOU AND
INSIDE OF WHICH
YOU CAN FINALLY
CUP AND BLEED
YOUR DAY DREAMS
SO AS TO
PERHAPS FEEL
A KIND OF CALMNESS
WHICH YOU THEN
AND WHICH YOU NOW
MISTAKE FOR RESOLVE
AND WITH WHICH
YOU MADE THAT MOVE
TO GET TO IT,
THE TAIWAN BLUE,
BY WAY OF LOVE
OR HATE, IN
THE FIRST PLACE.

I AM TELLING YOU AND
YOU WILL BELIEVE ME
THAT IT IS WITH
THE SAME SENSE
OF RESOLVE THAT
THE TAIWAN BLUE
IS MADE,
SPECIFICALLY RESOLUTE
IN ITS NOT GIVING
WAY TO PANIC
AND HAVING
NOTHING MORE TO DO
WITH ITSELF
THAN TO VISIT
AND TO LOVE
OR TO HATE YOU
WITH ITSELF.

NOW.
LISTEN TO ME.
I AM TELLING YOU AND
YOU WILL BELIEVE ME
THAT YOUR TOTAL
FORGETTING OF
THE TAIWAN BLUE
DOES NOT HAVE
ANYTHING TO DO WITH
YOUR GENERAL
INDIFFERENCE
TO THINGS
THAT ARE LIKE
THE TAIWAN BLUE
AND THAT
IN THEIR OWN WAY
HAVE BEEN TRYING TO
TELL YOU THINGS
ABOUT WHAT THEY ARE
OR ABOUT WHAT THEY
ARE MADE TO DO
TO YOU IN
THEIR TOTAL
WANTING FOR YOU
TO BELIEVE THEM.

NO.

I AM TELLING YOU
AND YOU WILL BELIEVE ME
THAT YOUR FORGETTING
OF THE TAIWAN BLUE
HAS MORE
TO DO WITH
YOUR CONSTANT
DERANGEMENT OF AIM
SO THAT EVEN
BEFORE THE MOMENT
BETWEEN IT
COMING UP TO YOU
AND IT BEING ON YOU
COULD EVEN PASS
YOU SACRIFICED
A MOMENT AS LIGHT
AND IT WAS READY —
AS A SHEET OF GLASS
IS READY
TO GO SMASH
WITH ANY
INDEFINITE TOUCH
INTO A WHINING MATRIX
OF SENSE AND STRESS –
TOWARD A MERCILESS
BELIEF
IN SOMETHING ELSE.

I AM TELLING YOU
AND YOU,
YOU WILL BELIEVE ME
THAT YOU ARE WRONG
IN MISTAKING
THIS ILLUSION
OF CONTROL
FOR AN INSTINCT
AND THAT
WHEN YOU ACT
ON THIS BELIEF
WHICH YOU THINK
FEELS LIKE CONTROL
AND MAKES YOU
SOMETIMES
PULL THINGS
TOGETHER
AND PUT THEM
IN SOME SORT
RANDOM ORDER
INSTEAD OF
LISTENING TO ME
AND BELIEVING
WHAT I AM
TELLING YOU,
YOU ARE, AGAIN,
LIKE IN THIS
VERY MOMENT,
GIVING AWAY
YOUR VIRILITY
FOR THRIFT AND
MAKING A DUMB
LITTLE SPACE FOR
YOURSELF WITHIN
WHICH YOU STOP
TO THINK THAT
THE BEAUTY
OF ANY LIVING THING
MIGHT ONLY BE
GRASPED
IN RELATION
TO THE BEAUTY
OF ANOTHER
LIVING THING
AS LONG
AS IT IS
THAT THEY ARE
BOTH ALIVE –
AND MOVING—
NOT STILL—
AND NOT DEAD—
AND THAT THE
WAY TO HOLD YOURSELF
THERE WITHIN THAT
SLIGHT PULSE
BETWEEN MOVEMENT
AND STILLNESS
LIKE, REALLY,
SO THAT YOU
CAN MAYBE
THINK YOU CAN
FEEL IT EVEN,
IS TO SIMPLY
START NAMING
THINGS THAT ARE
IN A WAY
THAT IS
JUST BARELY
PUT TOGETHER
AS YOU DO
FOR INSTANCE
EVERY NIGHT
IN YOUR BEDROOM
BY YOURSELF
AND TO YOURSELF
WHEN YOU FILL
YOUR HEAD
WITH A HOLLOW
DRUMROLL
OR A SERIES
OF THUDS
ABOUT HOW
IT HAPPENED TO YOU
OR ABOUT HOW
YOU CARE ABOUT IT
OR ABOUT HOW
YOU DON’T KNOW WHY
BUT IT TURNS OUT
YOU SPENT
THE WHOLE DAY,
THE WHOLE DAY
BEFORE YOU DIE
THINKING ABOUT IT.

YES. THAT’S
THE TAIWAN BLUE.

AND IT WILL VISIT YOU
AS YOU’VE ALWAYS
NEEDED TO BE
VISITED,
IN THOSE MOMENTS
WHEN YOU
ARE IN YOUR
BEDROOM
ALONE
OR NEXT TO
ANOTHER
PERSON
BUT STILL
TOTALLY,
DON’T KID YOURSELF,
COMPLETELY ALONE,
AND YOU START TO
MUSE ON ABOUT IT
OUT LOUD
OR LOUDLY
TO YOURSELF
BY SAYING THINGS
LIKE “OH YEAH,
I REMEMBER THAT”
OR “HA, WASN’T
THAT FUNNY”
OR “WAIT A MINUTE,
I HAVE BEEN
HERE BEFORE”
OR “YES THAT
FELT GOOD WHEN
IT WAS HAPPENING
DIDN’T IT”
OR “YES THAT IS HOW
IT USED TO BE.
WASN’T THAT GOOD”
OR “I’M GLAD
THAT’S OVER”
OR “THAT SOUNDS
FAMILIAR”
AND IN DOING SO
BEGIN TO
FORGET THINGS
SAY, LIKE
THE TAIWAN BLUE
ITSELF
AND WHEN IT WAS
THAT IT WAS
AND WHERE IT WAS
THAT IT WAS
THAT IT FOUND YOU,
WRAPPING ITSELF
AROUND YOUR NECK.

I AM TELLING YOU
AND YOU WILL BELIEVE ME
THAT YOU ARE TOTALLY
AND COMPLETELY
MISSING THE POINT
AND THAT
INSTEAD
BY SAYING ANYTHING
WHETHER OUT LOUD
OR LOUDLY AND
TO YOURSELF
NOT ONLY ABOUT
WHATEVER
BUT SPECIFICALLY
ABOUT THE TAIWAN BLUE
AS IT COMES UP
TO MEET YOU
AND COVERS ITSELF UP
WITH A BILE
OF ITS VERY OWN
MADE OF LEAD AND
IN A COLOR THAT IS
A FANDANGO PINK
ALL THE WAY AROUND
ITS OWN SURFACE AND
A LITTLE BIT ONTO
YOUR OWN, WHICH
YOU SHOULD
HAVE NOTICED
IF NOT FOR ANY OTHER
REASON THAN THE
FACT THAT WHAT IT
DOES, SHEATHING
ITSELF WITH THIS
MEMBRANE IS
INCONGRUOUS
WITH ITS NAME,
THE TAIWAN BLUE,
BUT YOU DIDN’T
EVEN DO THAT.
YOU CHOSE TO FORGET
ABOUT IT INSTEAD
OF TAKING IT UP,
GIVING UP ON IT,
AS YOU WOULD IF
YOU COULDN’T
REGISTER ANY
DIFFERENCES AT ALL,
AS IF YOU WERE
TRULY DETACHED
SOMEHOW FROM
THE TAIWAN BLUE
OR BECAUSE
YOU FELT YOURSELF
TO BE
I GUESS,
TRULY VISIONARY,
NEITHER OF WHICH
YOU REALLY ARE
AT ALL, AS YOU
I AM TELLING YOU,
AND YOU WILL
BELIEVE ME ARE
BOTH THEIR OPPOSITE.

YOU MISSING
THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN WHAT IT IS
AND WHAT IT DOES
WERE TO YOU
NO LITTLE THING MORE
THAN YOUR SHIT-SELF
RECOGNIZED ONLY AS A
MEMORY INDUCED
BY VARIATION
OR EXPERIENCE
OF BEING SUCH A SHIT
ONCE IN THE PAST
AS YOU WERE THEN
TO IT OR AS
YOU ARE NOW
TO ME,
DOZING AWAY AGAIN
INTO SOME
AWFUL CALM AND
JUST SITTING THERE
RESOLVED AND
WITHOUT APOLOGY

YOU WILL BELIEVE ME
WHEN I TELL YOU
THAT WHAT YOU DID
NOTICE BUT NOW HAVE
OF COURSE
FORGOTTEN
IS THAT
THE TAIWAN BLUE
AS IT WAS FIXED
ONTO YOU
AND AS IT
POURED
FORWARD
ITS BILE
MADE OF LEAD,
FANDAGO PINK,
THAT THE TAIWAN BLUE
ALSO RELEASED
A SOUND
THAT TO YOU
SOUNDED
AS IF IT,
THE TAIWAN BLUE,
OR EVEN YOU WERE
AT THAT VERY MOMENT
GASPING ONCE
MAYBE TWICE AS
YOU DO SOMETIMES,
SAY, WHEN YOU
ARE AMUSED BY
SOME THING
AND ALSO
HORRIFIED BY IT
OR WHEN YOU
HEAR A GASP
ISOLATED FROM
A SUCCESSION
OF SIGHS
AS IF IT CAME FROM,
SAY, A THING
VERY OLD, A
THING THAT
WAS DYING
AND AS IF
THAT OLD THING
WERE GASPING
REPEATEDLY.
NOR DID YOU NOTICE
THE TAIWAN BLUE
AS A RECOURSE
TO YOUR PRESENCE
WITH IT
AS SORT OF
SUBSTITUTION
FOR ITS OWN
HEART’S BOUNDING
AS IT DID IN THE
AWE OF YOUR
PRESENCE—A
SUBSTITUTION
WHICH OFTEN
RESULTS IN A
SOUND LIKE
A GASP.

NO.

INSTEAD, WHEN
THE TAIWAN BLUE
WAS THERE
FIXED ONTO YOU
AND POURING
FORTH ITS BILE
YOU SIMPLY
NOTICED
A SOUND
THAT SOUNDED
LIKE A GASP
AND INSTEAD
OF REMEMBERING IT
YOU ACTED
ON YOUR BELIEF
IN CONTROL
OF IT
AS IF TO BE
APPROPRIATE
TO THE SITUATION
AND TAKE IT
UPON YOURSELF
TO SOMEHOW
IMPROVE THE
STATE OF THINGS.
LIKE RIGHT NOW
WHEN INSTEAD
OF LISTENING
TO WHAT I AM
TELLING YOU
AND INSTEAD
OF BELIEVING ME,
YOU START TO THINK
THAT HOW WHAT
I AM TELLING YOU
IS SOME SORT
OF A LIE
DESIGNED
TO DRAW US APART,
YOU ARE,
CONSEQUENTLY
MAKING THE
SITUATION NOT
ONLY TOTALLY
INAPPROPRIATE,
BUT ALSO
IN EVERY WAY
TOTALLY WORSE.

Related Posts

From Face Down The Oakland-based press Timeless, Infinite Light has allowed us to publish an excerpt from Brian Whitener's fantastic new book Face Down, which can be purchased here. From Face Down In the mid-1850s, a non-ethnically marked lady, Mother, and her partner refused factory work because it meant Un...
Popular Culture 1. “No matter how much you feel it, you want To feel it even more.” That’s the feeling Tony Bennett says he sees in Amy Winehouse when they meet to record “Body & Soul” in March 2011 For Bennett’s album Duets II. All this For an “honest recording.” She’ll be gone By Augus...
Comrade Love and Comrade Spell Whoever pride in the face I went for a ride with my friend on the shore of our news where all the objects were and there was no waste to love or be an end for politics in the fantasy of released fantasy. Blur system straight performance, Comrade Love was what my name was, electric life disengag...
Epistolary Romance on Love and Friendship Dear Shiv, You told me to write to you. It was kind of you to tell me to write. You were writing to me of heartbreaks and hangovers and whether we’ll ever love or write again, and how to replace one with the other, with each other. You were asking me how to tell the difference...

Shiv Kotecha

Shiv Kotecha is the author of The Unlovable (Troll Thread, 2016) and EXTRIGUE (Make Now, 2015). Other work appears on GaussPDF, The Fanzine, Jacket2 and elsewhere online. He is currently working on a long poem "about" bicuriosity, impotence, and delusion. He is also a PhD candidate at NYU.